The Times

Sian Griffiths

Gerry Gajadharsingh writes:

 Having three children I can relate to some of what is being said below. It reminds me of a chat I had with my son Max when we were driving once when he was 12, he’s now 16. I asked him what would he have changed about his growing up, quick as a flash he said “I wish you had spent more time with me”. The guilt still bothers me now.

 In some ways the experiences in life that our children get now, surpass my generations upbringing and, in turn, our experiences surpass our parents. However, in many ways they are poorer, parental time constraints on busy parents being one of them. The explosion of mental health problems in our teenagers is frightening, a theme I have blogged about before. The end of the article offers some sensible advice. My advice? Time is the one luxury (actually a necessity) that our children really need and we ignore this at both our and our children’s peril.

Modern family life is creating a generation of “hermit teenagers”, isolated and troubled in their bedrooms, according to the former head master of one of Britain’s most famous public schools.

Tony Little, former head of Eton College, who is writing a book about parenting, said the loneliness of teenagers with two parents focused on their careers was one of the most worrying problems of 21st-century life.

“We read so much today about the private, often troubled, world of teenagers. Hermit teenagers in their ­bedrooms, sometimes silent and removed from their family members,” Little will tell the conference of the Boarding Schools’ Association this week.

“Smartphone teenagers often welded to screens sharing risqué pictures to win friends or awaiting the next troll abuse. Xbox teenagers overly fixated on computer-game battles. This

[is] the so-called ideal world of modern family life.

Alarm over rise of teen hermits

“Family life is lonely for teenagers today . . . mums and dads both having careers, both working full time, juggling everything . . . if I had to draw up a list of the top 20 questions that worry parents, that is near the top of the list, along with worries about whether their child will get a good job.

“Parents have said things to me like, ‘My 15-year-old boy is on his own in the house, he spends all his time on the computer. I don’t have a clue what he is doing even when I am in the house and it is worrying me’,” Little said.

Mental health problems such as depression and anxiety are on the rise among teenagers . Little said the solution was to try to engage youngsters in activities that required them to spend time with other people.

Parents could en­courage Saturday jobs, sports, after-school clubs or just inviting friends home, he said. Keeping channels of communication open was crucial.

He advised talking to teenagers while driving with them in the car — “they can’t escape, but also don’t have to make eye contact” — and not being inquisitorial.

Jamie Hexham May 1, 2016

May I make a few suggestions? To avoid children taking up an eremitical life make a few sacrosanct rules. When we have our god children to stay with us for an extended period, usually for most of the summer, after they have had a family holiday,  we impose a few rules that some may consider draconian.

  1. Everyone sits at the table for lunch and dinner, where no electronic device is allowed.  Breakfast is a personal affair. Having communal meals enables conversation, fun, and communication with each other, so we, as adults, can spot any problems that require addressing. If they want to invite friends they may.
  2.  They are expected to get out of bed by 10 am at the latest, and out of the house for some time every day instead of loafing around moaning about being bored. We are a small community, and there is always something going on in the village during school holidays. They are encouraged to go along. When their summer trips began, they were resistant to this, but now, the two youngest can’t wait to go to take part in the activities, and the elder two look forward to rekindling friendships they previously made.
  1. We have one television in the house and no satellite or cable TV.  They have to negotiate what they want to watch. We like it to be turned off by 10pm. It’s often off earlier as they are tired after a full and occasionally physically demanding day.
  1. Internet access is restricted to an hour and a half in total,  to allow them to send and receive emails from friends in the free world. Mobile telephones here are useless as there is a poor signal and is usually hopeless for receiving texts and downloads.
  2.  Their rooms are to be kept tidy. If they aren’t our housekeeper and daily treasure will not go in to clean or change sheets, dust or hoover.
  3.  Farmyards are no places for children, especially young ones who can’t resist sitting on machinery or pushing buttons. My yard is absolutely out of bounds. Far too many children are killed on farms each year. They are allowed to collect eggs and feed the ducks and geese for which they have a healthy respect.

When they return home, their parents ask what did we do to their children?  It’s simple. We imposed a few rules and spent lots of time with them and made it possible for them to be physically active. I have often been critical of their parents, (never in front of the children), and have suggested that they can surely find plenty of activities for their children to do outside of the house.
This would help them meet others away from their usual clique. Even taking their dog out for a walk on the Heath would increase their well-being. However, both parents are high earner / achievers who seem to leave all the care of their wonderful children to a nanny.